Tips for Coming Out

Well, you’ve probably heard me before on the topic, but it’s time to give the official tips on coming out.  I’m not out to scare you or tell you not to come out.  On the other hand, I embrace your decision.  It will be one of the most difficult ones you make in your life.  When you feel the time is right, go for it!

1. Coming out will not solve all of your problems.
2. Coming out can be a great experience.  It will cause problems that you can’t foresee, but in the end,  sometimes years later, it will be worth the effort.
3. Most people who come out will not feel that the weight has been lifted from their shoulders.
4. Not all people will accept your “new” sexual orientation. You will lose friends.  I did.
5. If you still live at home with homophobic parents you may be kicked out.
6. Others may regard your gayness as simply a phase.
7. Parents of gay children (especially those under 18) may request that you receive counseling about your “problem.” Go along with it and maybe they will learn a thing or two through the experience.
8. You may be referred or forced into “changing” ministries.   These concentration cognitive retraining camps employ corporal punishment, negative feedback techniques, and torture to “make” someone straight.  Exodus International and Focus on the Family (“Dr.” James Dobson’s group) are the names to remember here.  There’s also the beloved A Parent’s Guide to Preventing Homosexuality.
9. You CANNOT predict how someone will react to your coming out.  One story of a listener went along the lines of getting the opposite reaction he expected from both his mother and father (one supportive, the other with Exodus Intl. literature).
10. Do not expect anyone you tell to keep it a secret.  Again, trust me, I know.
11. “We won’t tell grandma.”  Fuck that.  Tell grandma if you want to.  It’s your life.  You may regret it when she’s gone.  I may…
12. Others may come out to you when you come out!  Believe it or not, this happens.  I know of a husband and wife that came out to each other…
13. Be honest.  You were born gay.  There is no way you are changing.  It didn’t happen over night.
14. Give people some time to think it over.  It will come as a shock to many people you tell.  They will need time to digest the information.
15. Some people may say that they were waiting for you to come out.  Don’t take this the wrong way.  They just knew. It means that they’ll keep on loving you for who you are, because, hey, they probably knew you were gay before you could admit it to your self.
16. Educate those in need.  Don’t forget, there are great organizations out there like PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) that have local chapters. They can provide you our your loved ones with information and emotional support.
17. Read or listen about how others came out.  It will give you the courage and knowledge on how to handle different situations.
18. Be blunt.  Don’t pussy-foot around the issue.  There’s no easy way to do it than gay, “Hey! I’m gay.”  TRUST ME on this one!  I started out my coming out to my dad and stepmom with, “You know I love you guys, but there’s something I have to tell you.”  My stepmother yelled, “Oh my God, you’re getting married!” I responded, “No, I’m gay.”  It’s that simple.
19. As always, seek professional help if you are in need.  Many people experience depression during this rough period in their lives.  If you are a gay or questioning teen who is suicidal and needs discrete or free help, please contact The Trevor Project (866-4-U-TREVOR). I don’t donate money to any organization without doing my research.  They help people and I have referred troubled listeners whom have emailed me privately there.

Please share your coming out tips and stories by responding to this post.  The best ones will make it on the show.  You can also call and leave a message at 888-272-5848.  I will feature at least one message I received a few days ago in an upcoming podcast.  Coming out is one of our biggest issues as GLBT citizens and we owe it to the community to share our experiences.

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